Formed in Them Days by an aging Mick Thuckwood and his Green Peter, Thickwood Muck started out peddling blue songs for crack cocaine to angry negroes in the bayous of pre-Colombian Venezuela. Their breakout hit Albatoss - written about masturbation in Scotchland - is an acknowledged blue classic. Mick, dissatisfied with his rock crystals, immediately set upon a quest to find ever refined levels of cocaine use.With pop-stardom threatening, Mick dropped his Green Peter like a hot melon and along the way met an elf-child, a pixie and a pair of grim swingers who he invited into the band. They were united by a shared interest in the coca-leaf and the by-products thereof. Many tracks were laid down in the studio and all were snorted up as fast as possible. Critical reviews were made and the band soon found they preferred Peruvian flake. Some music written.
The elf-child found it could sing. Although the sound was ever-muted due to the billowing clouds of pink fairy dust (see above), cotton candy and acres of lace. Pupating into female form she lived in a huge fluffy castle full of unicorns, curtains and lots and lots of cushions. Persistent vaginal infections led to a substantial amount of brie and Mick found himself finally able to dub her with her name to this day: Cheesie Knicks.
Ode to cocaine, Oh You Make Bumming Fun written.
Hit followed hit, tour followed tour and before long mild-mannered cretins everywhere were being soothed and tweaked by Thickwood Muck's brand of super-jizzy pop-tastic pseudo-rock twadge. The band suffered, having to write and perform music was eating into valuable cocaine enjoyment time. They resolved to write one really big hit album that would pay off their dealers in one go and give them more time for their relaxing hobby.
Tango in the Shite was born. It was very smooth and less divertingly interesting than anything they'd recorded before. With absolutely nothing to trouble their minds, remedials everywhere lapped it up like little puppies with advanced brain tumours. Everybody was wildly happy, especially the dealers.
One more tour was planned. By now every band member was legally divorced from every other band member at least once and they refused to share the same continent with one another. This made touring difficult but a resolution was found when Lindsay Fuckingham the pixie-boy suggested each band member had their own trailer, stadium and three roadies devoted to blowing the coke up their arseholes all night.
Inevitably the situation couldn't continue. The swingers took permanent exile into a caravan park outside Lowestoft, Fuckingham grew his ears until death threatened, Cheesie disappeared up her own cunt after a roadie sucked rather than blew one night and Mick himself took to rocket science in a bid to find the first supplies of space cocaine. He remains very tall.
