The Society of the Clitoris

Women assault men with their bodily pheromones to sell their sex for safety and comfort. This is why it can be argued that all women are whores. This is a purely natural circumstance of evolution which has left the child-bearer weaker than the child-provider. In the 60s and 70s a group of lesbian women across the world decided to push for female dominance - although ironically this urge came from the excess of male testosterone created in their genetic lesbian bodies and minds.

As far as I can tell this goes directly against nature. I don't see that as a good sign and aren't sure where society will go with the increase in female dominance. At the very least it's not a great thing for males and we can already see many negative effects for us. I call this the Society of the Clitoris.

The problem - as ever with solutions to the various 'isms' - is that equal rights becomes mixed up with people being equal. We're not, men are generally bigger, stronger, faster and think more clinically and logically. Women are smaller, weaker, slower and think on a more emotional basis. It should be patently clear that the different sexes fit into different roles in society.

As we try to fit ourselves into the wrong shaped holes, is it any wonder than society suffers? A Swedish survey on gender equality from 2007 noted, "[n]egative effects" to health in both sexes are suggested due to increased stress of the opportunities of the workplace, observed that "one-sided expansion by women into traditionally male roles, spheres and activities will not lead to positive health effects unless men also significantly alter their behaviour".

So, to work, men should go against their nature too, to cater for the aberration of women? This seems wrong to me. Perhaps we should just say that equal rights are a great idea but admit that the sexes are different? Take it down a notch and maybe everyone would be a bit happier.

It might even help women too. I can see a future filled with 40-something women with no kids, no husband, no ability to cook or clean a house. The looks have faded and the pheromones now just smell like bad fish. What have they to offer anyone? Not much is it. All they seem to have ahead of them is 40-50 years of boredom and intense loneliness to look forward to. Thanks Germaine, Andrea and the rest.

Tiger Wood's complete prostitution of the games format

Tiger Wood's PGA Tour 11 has many faults. The hierarchical menu system is completely nonsensical, the graphics are too clinical and glitchy, the online skill level system is totally broken and the commentators are as annoying as hell. But it does play a good game of golf that rewards experience well. It represents a big change from my previous golf game, Everyday Golf, which was a lot prettier, easier, less buggy but probably less rewarding.

But let's forget about all that, because I want to talk about how this game completely prostitutes itself to try to screw every penny from its players. These are the top 4 marketing ploys TWPGA11 presents to the consumer:

1. The On-line voucher, as I wrote about here, monetises the second-hand market for EA.

2. Extra courses are available as DLC for the gob-smacking price of £6.29 for a single course. This seems particularly steep to me - far more than I'd expect to pay for a single map for an FPS for example.

3. You can gain some easy XP (the game's currency) by sending a message to each of your friends advertising the benefits of the game. I presume. I've never seen it. All my friends have.

4. Instead of earning XP to buy new items in the pro shop (from shoes to clubs - and they give you various skill bonuses) you can stump up some cold hard cash and buy them on the PSN. They cost from under a pound to several quid, and there's usually a new better item every level or two.
A quick hint here: learn to grind the skills challenges for fast xp.

This seems quite enough to me. I don't buy many EA games, so don't know if this is (ahem) par for the course - but I'll guarantee it will be, and not just for EA. This ghastly nonsense is going to spread and spread until we can't frag someone on Doom 2012 without being asked if we want to buy a bigger gun. There's nothing much to be done of course, gamers being a slothful lot, all but impossible to rouse.

Cloned meat, Bullshit and Science

So, an embryo from a cloned cow was bought from America and two offspring have got into the food chain. Well, I'm underwhelmed. But this story is consistently being pushed by the BBC, on one level it's merely a classic 'silly season' story, on another it's a danger to our particularly vulnerable beef farmers. Whilst I'm not a particular fan of our little kings of agriculture, beef farming is only just recovering from the BSE crisis and could be hit badly by this irresponsible journalism.

Yet the public have a responsibility too, one we're failing at terribly, in that we should be intelligent enough not to respond like idiots to stories of this nature. The problem is science - the word itself seems to send normal people into dithering, witless dimwits. This disgraceful lack of knowledge seems to make people very defensive indeed, even aggressively displaying their ignorance as some supposed mark of cleverness. If this is you, please stop, you look like a fucking moron.

Julian Huppert, Lib Dem MP for Cambridge, is one of only two MPs (out of 650ish) to hold a science doctorate, and the only MP to have worked in the scientific field. He's described the problem of scientific illiteracy in parliament as being so bad that all MPs should have a mandatory course in the subject. I'd go farther, perhaps the entire nation needs an enforced lesson in science just to stop them acting like complete arseholes.

Sarah's Law - the plight of the poor paedo

There's no denying it's a hard life being a sexual offender. It's one thing after another - if you aren't out signing the register, you're taking your weekly visit to the local police station or explaining to your parole officer why a copy of "Young Arse" was found under your bed in the half-way house. Things are about to get a bit harder as the nation's police forces decide to implement Sarah's Law across the UK.

Sarah's Law is similar to the American Megan's Law in that it allows parents to find out if anyone who has access to their child is a sex offender. It's named after Sarah Payne who was killed, aged 8, in 2000 by paedophile Roy Whiting. Whilst that was a tragic act, there's no denying that this is a case of law made by the media - mainly in the form of a rabid News of the World, laughingly playing the high moral card against the only people accounted lower than them, the paedo.

We're assured that this will not lead to vigilantism. Well, we'll see. Personally, I'm not so sure the great British public will be able to hold back as word spreads of their local paedo. Especially if he or she has 'access' to children. At the very least he's going to feel just a bit more targeted and vulnerable.

I have some time for the sexual offender. I don't agree with the common mood that they should be tortured to death by a baying mob; I have this odd idea that that isn't healthy for society. This is not to say I think such people should go free, they are after all causing untold harm to their victims.

We need to understand that sexual offenders are ill. For whatever reason (often their own past as a victim) they fancy things that normal people don't. Imagine that for a second. Instead of being attracted to and needing sex with an adult of appropriate gender you have the same feelings for your pet dog, a fireplace or a child.

I believe these people should be helped by all the therapists, with all the drugs and doctors that they require. But if it's judged they are a danger to children (or dogs, or fireplaces) they should be put in comfortable but secure accommodation and treated until cured. This would be healthy for society on many levels.

So, pity the poor paedo - his lot is a heavy one. He's locked into a world he didn't ask for, with feelings which are as natural to him as breathing, and every hand is turned against him. His own acts appal him and the necessities of his life strike him ashen with grief. Poor cunt.

Daily Star, GTA Rothbury and Channel 5

To be honest with you I'd missed this story last week. Apparently the Daily Star managed to claim that Rockstar had started work on GTA Rothbury, a game based on the brief visit to the village by killer Raoul Moat. They reportedly went to members of victims families for comment an mocked up a cover for the game (shown to the upper right). Thinq reports on it here.

Now the Daily Star have had to publish a grovelling apology and give "substantial damages" to Rockstar, who are going to give them to charity.

I know what you're thinking, and I agree, it'd be a terrible game. The one playable character looks like an angry potato, and you only get to shoot four people - one of whom is yourself. The rest of your time is sat in a tent or drain writing letters.

And it's also a fucking disgusting thing to do to sell your piss-poor "newspaper". All of those involved should be absolutely fucking ashamed. That is Jerry Lawton, who wrote the article. Editor Dawn Neesom. And owner Richard Desmond. Take a round of applause all of you, in a theatre named simply 'cunts'.

Desmond, of course, has been in the news for other reasons recently. The porn , magazine and newspaper baron has gone the whole media hog and bought out terrestrial UK tv station, Channel 5. Whilst such centralised media ownership can never be a good thing, I'm not sure how Channel 5 could become any more low-brow and sensational. I await Mr Desmond's attempts with some interest.

At the very least we can expect some top quality video game coverage.

Tiger Woods Pro Tour 11 and the online voucher

Whilst I'd read about this new "online voucher" idea in the games press, this is the first title I'd bought that included the feature. In practise it works very simply, you get a code that you put in and it lets you use the on-line parts of the game. Buy a second-hand game or get your game without the code for some reason, you have to pay some money for the "voucher" (a new code) and you can go on-line too.

This is the games industry monetising the second-hand market and presumably an attempt at monetising piracy on those platforms which allow it. Many think it will destroy the second-hand market - not an area I know or care much about - but as far as I can see it'll just devalue your second-hand game by a few quid.

Morally it's less easy to justify. Without consulting us, the industry has taken away what we thought was ours and gained from the move themselves. Whatever they believe is the legal case - we never actually own these games remember, just a licence to play them - is frankly immaterial. In addition, it's not clear what will happen should your console break and you need to re-install your game.

On the whole, I believe that the games industry is right to bring in the vouchers. It doesn't effect the original owner (as long as new console reinstalls are allowed), it might keep costs of games down slightly and frankly it's a great idea from their perspective. And compared with the complete prostituting of the rest of Tiger Woods Pro Tour 11 it really is nothing.

Go compare moonpigs via Halifax, we'll buy any car dot com

If, like me, you happen to agree with Bill Hicks on the subject of marketing then you can't have helped being driven to distraction recently by the fucking dire adverts on the tv. Every vile out-of-work cunt actor or singer seems to have been combined with every gaudy visual or stupid fucking song to sell some cunt product that no cunt wants to fucking buy. I'm not alone either, a particular advert made a friend of mine spout out on Twitter recently, "This [advert] makes me want to self-harm."

Go Compare probably deserve a dishonourable mention here for one of the most annoying audio tracks to any advert ever - indeed, adverts aside it may be the most annoying sound ever recorded outside a South African Football stadium or U2's music studio. We Buy Any Car also deserve a mention for their up-tempo and frankly fucking awful piece of repetitive techno for their ads. No-doubt there's a Belgian Hardcore version of this track being played on a loop in some of the more dubious Hamburg torture bars.

Though there are many awful adverts about, it's my intention in this piece to focus on one of them: the new Halifax adverts. These are the adverts that caused my friend to threaten to self-harm and I share an intense loathing for them that goes beyond mere homicidal hatred.

In the old days (remember 2009, kids?) we had Howard, the highly bespectacled black bank functionary who we are meant to believe was plucked from obscurity to become an all-singing and mainly-dancing poster boy for Halifax bank, building society or whatever it is. Quite why we needed a poor vaudeville act to sell us banking facilities and mortgages is beyond the scope of this article. But Howard was fun, he was bouncy and he had a remarkably funny face. Label as inoffensive and move on.

Now we have something more terrible, something that makes me cringe inside as I watch and listen, wishing the torture would end or at least I could reach the remote. And the question I have to ask is why? There is nothing outwardly offensive about these adverts. Yet each time they're played a little bit of humanity dies. There is very little offensive sound, the visuals are tame and the people are all the type of well-scrubbed smiling folk you'd be honoured to introduce to your mother.

I think there have probably been more but the three adverts in this series I clearly remember are as follows. All seem to be based in some kind of fucking awful commercial radio station of the type I'd not be caught dead listening to. This radio station advertises nothing but various products the bank supplies.

1. The 5 Quid advert - various cunts try to get a word in edgeways whilst the useless fat unfunny hyper-cunt who runs the breakfast show (who could this possibly be?) breaks in to repeatedly tell us that Halifax will give you five quid for some reason I can't recall.
   
2. The ISA advert - some bloke who looks a lot like Russell Howard tries to talk about the benefits of a Halifax ISA while some odd looking tart with big eyes plays Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" over the top (clever huh?)
3. No idea what this is for, The Coffee Cup advert - two birds presenting the show talk about some shit so vapid I have no memory of it and at the end the handle off one of the slag's cup falls off.

So I had a think, cup of tea, bit of spliff and that and tried to analyse what I found so offensive about this particular series of adverts. It aint the product they're selling. It's not the sets, or the music, or even the inclusion of Vanilla Ice. It's not the actors, mainly 20-somethings you'd imagine having degrees and cosy mortgages from their own employer. They just sit and chat in their sensible pastel tops about nothing really.

Then it hit me. The reason these adverts reach a new depth of low for me is the very fact that they are so fucking terribly astoundingly dull and fucking inoffensive. Nothing troubles the eye or ear, indeed nothing troubles the mind. Horrible bland cunts just jabber on about nothing; an achingly appropriate metaphor for the paucity of their lives. And they themselves may well be nothing but a mirror image of our society.

I know one thing's for sure: I won't be a Halifax customer any time soon. Unless they up that free fiver to a tenner.