Musical Biographies #1 - Cheesie Knicks and Thickwood Muck

Formed in Them Days by an aging Mick Thuckwood and his Green Peter, Thickwood Muck started out peddling blue songs for crack cocaine to angry negroes in the bayous of pre-Colombian Venezuela. Their breakout hit Albatoss - written about masturbation in Scotchland - is an acknowledged blue classic. Mick, dissatisfied with his rock crystals, immediately set upon a quest to find ever refined levels of cocaine use.

With pop-stardom threatening, Mick dropped his Green Peter like a hot melon and along the way met an elf-child, a pixie and a pair of grim swingers who he invited into the band. They were united by a shared interest in the coca-leaf and the by-products thereof. Many tracks were laid down in the studio and all were snorted up as fast as possible. Critical reviews were made and the band soon found they preferred Peruvian flake. Some music written.

The elf-child found it could sing. Although the sound was ever-muted due to the billowing clouds of pink fairy dust (see above), cotton candy and acres of lace. Pupating into female form she lived in a huge fluffy castle full of unicorns, curtains and lots and lots of cushions. Persistent vaginal infections led to a substantial amount of brie and Mick found himself finally able to dub her with her name to this day: Cheesie Knicks.

Ode to cocaine, Oh You Make Bumming Fun written.

Hit followed hit, tour followed tour and before long mild-mannered cretins everywhere were being soothed and tweaked by Thickwood Muck's brand of super-jizzy pop-tastic pseudo-rock twadge. The band suffered, having to write and perform music was eating into valuable cocaine enjoyment time. They resolved to write one really big hit album that would pay off their dealers in one go and give them more time for their relaxing hobby.

Tango in the Shite was born. It was very smooth and less divertingly interesting than anything they'd recorded before. With absolutely nothing to trouble their minds, remedials everywhere lapped it up like little puppies with advanced brain tumours. Everybody was wildly happy, especially the dealers.

One more tour was planned. By now every band member was legally divorced from every other band member at least once and they refused to share the same continent with one another. This made touring difficult but a resolution was found when Lindsay Fuckingham the pixie-boy suggested each band member had their own trailer, stadium and three roadies devoted to blowing the coke up their arseholes all night.

Inevitably the situation couldn't continue. The swingers took permanent exile into a caravan park outside Lowestoft, Fuckingham grew his ears until death threatened, Cheesie disappeared up her own cunt after a roadie sucked rather than blew one night and Mick himself took to rocket science in a bid to find the first supplies of space cocaine. He remains very tall.

Casual Games for Sad Old Fucks #1

Three reviewlets of three games I've been playing recently. All were played on the Playstation 3, all are available on the Xbox and probably the Wii as well. Who knows, some might even be out there for the PC (one is). All are casual games, because that's what I'm playing at the moment, simple as that.

Monopoly Streets
£30 at Amazon
My latest purchase, what can I say, it's Monopoly. It's presented in 3D with excellent cartoony animations, it's all hopelessly family friendly and there's plenty of boards and pieces to earn to add to the interest (probably not enough pieces, truth be told). There are various game modes, from Official rules to Fast Game to Jackpot offering various rulesets. Graphics and sound are fine. So, is all hunky-dory in the Monopoly Streets world? Well no. Whilst it plays a great game you can sometimes get lost amongst the tight, close-in shots and feel a bit disconnected. But far, far more importantly, there's a big problem in the online mode where if one player drops the game ends immediately and you're sent to the main menu. This is shit. Frankly. That it got past QC is a sign that a fuck-witted numbskull was allowed to wank into the mix at some stage and left their stain behind. Patch please, quickly.

Rapala Pro Bass Fishing
£40 at Play, including rod peripheral
So to fishing, or Yankee fishing, without proper baits and that. That aside, this is an excellent game - probably the best fishing game ever, though to be honest that isn't saying much, I know. The big draw of this game is the rod peripheral which uses tilt switches and a reel (fitted either way for the right- and left-handed) to mimic the actions of a real rod and reel. It's not bad either. Obviously there's no feedback (the package is too cheap) but as you wave the rod about to move your lure in predetermined patterns or fight your fish you can squint and just about believe you're doing something approaching fishing. Visuals are great, sound good and the single player game seems quite well balanced and fun. The problem again lies in the multiplayer arena, and this time the problem is simple: there is no multiplayer. This could of been so fun and simple, fishing in a lake against friends or strangers for a predetermined time. Activision are indeed cunts.

Worms2: Armageddon
£13 or so, Playstation Network
This is part of the old Worms series that started in the 1990s, this is the cheapest game by far in these 3 games, this is in 2D and this is by far the best game I'm writing about today. In addition, and least importantly, this is the one game also available on the PC. You know the score, it's the old BBC computer artillery game with amazingly surreal landscapes, weapons ranging from the mundane to the insane and worms; lovely cute little worms with adorable voices. It's savage as hell, especially online where no prisoners are taken. The only problem with this game are the players - so many scurrilous toads are happy to besmirch their good name and honour by quitting games when they're losing that it can be quite rare to finish a game online. Apart from that it's wonderful, gloriously pretty in 720p and most importantly fun as hell.

There you have it, two not bad but flawed games and one prime jewel amongst games. If I had one general comment it would be this: please let me play my own music in my own games. None of the above let you play your own and that annoys the hell out of me. This should be such a simple requirement every game should allow it. The Xbox 360 has had this since year dot at system level. That's probably why these 3 ports don't have it.

That's all for now, poodle-tip.

Modern druids? Modern wankers.

If you believe in an organised religion through childhood indoctrination I regard you with pity. If you have come to believe in organised religion through your adult life I regard you as mildly retarded. If you have thrown aside organised religion for a belief in what they call 'Paganism' I regard you as a prime fucking wanker.

Druids, pagans and witches - tossers. Basing themselves on old religions we know next to nothing about, connections with mother nature that don't exist in any concious applicable form and believing that spells can do anything, ever, to anyone. Cunts. It's worse than most Christians, in that it's more active and a belief in superstition is even greater.

These are people for whom organised religion seems remote and disconnected - they're not quite stupid enough to believe. But in the void that appears in their lives lurks fear and superstition. The void has to be filled by bullshit. They're not quite clever enough to deny the urge.

Atheist Realities. Religious Necessities.

Atheism has a problem. It exists as a reaction against religion, and is in an unstable position because of it. In its worst incarnations it can look like a religion in itself - if you look at some of the extreme atheist forums you can understand why. Things aren't helped by the fact that scientific theory forces us to admit we can never prove if there's a god or not. We're all forced to believe something even if it's in nothing.

I am an atheist, but these days I prefer a gentler form of the game. I've never believed, no indoctrination was attempted as a child - I'm not even christened. So in my later years I find myself living without a religion as purely natural; you should be good to people as an acknowledgement of the society you enjoy and live your life for the benefit of that society.

But what of fighting the good fight? Shouldn't I be trying to create other atheists, protesting about the latest knuckle-dragging cluster fuck of a Papal decree, and generally attempting to destroy religion?

I don't think so. Other than setting an example by leading a decent life without god, I don't think any longer it's my place to do these things. Partly it's because those acts smack of religious activity, and partly it's because of a new realisation that struck me a few years ago and has been growing in my thoughts recently.

People are fucking thick. Even in a relatively rich society like the UK the average person leaves school with a poxy 2 GCSE grade C's. That means that the great masses of this, and presumably every other country, are deeply stupid people. People who without religion to rule their lives instantly seem to devolve into braintards believing in magic crystals, wicca, the cult of scientology or whatever other fucking rubbish someone is flogging to fill the religious void.

So could religion be necessary for a healthy society that consists mainly of sub-moronic halfwits? Could a lack of it be why UK society suffers from various form of anti-social problems? Could it be a creation of social evolution (in Dawkinian terms) that favours the continued existence of that society? I'd say it's worth considering.

New toys - Amazon Kindle

I'd wanted an e-reader for a long while, I don't have the best of eyesight and the tightly set text of many modern book imprints had basically stopped me from reading. This also made e-paper an essential - other screens refresh themselves constantly and make reading a lot of text a chore. My other criteria was price, around £100 seemed fair to me.

So when Amazon advertised the new 2010 Kindle at price points of £109 (wifi only) and £149 (including 3G mobile data facilities) I literally pre-ordered mine on the day. As I have no need to download books on the move I saved my money and ordered the wifi only model. Both share a 6" screen, 4GB of memory and the same form factor.

It arrived on time, was unpacked and powered up. It had a protective sheet of adhesive plastic with some warnings about use printed on it.. soon removed.. and.... it wasn't printed, it was text on the Kindle screen. Text of quite amazing clarity and quality. It's not like text in a book, it's far better, like a very high quality print on very high quality paper. I worked out the DPI of the 16-shade grey-scale screen and it's just about twice that of the monitor I'm using now. Impressive stuff.

It is, of course, monochrome. That doesn't worry me, this device is for reading text and for that you don't need colour. While we're about it, it's not touch-screen either - everyone who has handled my machine has tried to touch it. Sorry, but not at this price-point. Not yet.

Whilst you can find e-books to read all over the web, the Kindle Marketplace on Amazon is your central site to buy Kindle books, newspapers, magazines and blogs. You can buy a book either on your Kindle or via your PC browser. It's all very very streamlined - buy on the browser and next time you turn on your Kindle it's downloaded and you can read in a few seconds. I should note that there are many free books on the Marketplace, mainly older texts but very welcome indeed.

Reading itself is a pleasure. Large buttons on the side of the device offer page forward and back (on both sides to cater for lefties and righties alike). You can select sections, bookmark them, make annotations (using the excellent keyboard at the bottom of the device), select words and look them up in a dictionary, send quotes to Facebook or Twitter and generally do anything you could do with a book and so much more.

The tricks don't quite end there either. Hit a key combination and your Kindle will start reading back your book for you. Okay the Stephen Hawking voice will never be as good as hearing a well spoken audio-book, but it's a cool feature nonetheless. In addition you can play MP3s and there's even a basic Web browser available which works reasonably well.

The Kindle is a quite excellent machine. I can't compare it with other e-readers, having never used one, but this device does everything I'd expect from an e-reader and a lot more I didn't. It's a well-made machine and makes reading easy. Using one text size above default I find reading books is once again available to me - and that's worth a lot.

The Downing Street Sauna I

"Hey Dave, this is great, who thought this place existed, huh?"

"Yuh Nicky, apparently Denis had it put in to entertain some of his Arab oil chums, yah. Been here ever since, down in the depths. Here, be a good egg and throw another pail on the coals."

Clouds of steam rose from the red hot cherries of heat, filling the room even more until all was a white fog, the two men just light grey silhouettes in the thick hot mist. Dave stretched, his naked body immodestly clad in a small white towel, and his hand brushed Nick's shoulder. Nick jumped!

"Hey, hey hey buddy. Hey, hey hey hey. Hey. Hey now what's wrong, you're like a coiled spring Nicky-babe."

"It's just that I'm a bit concerned about the coalition, Dave. We've had a good start, no denying it, great first 100 days. Some of our policies are really really great. Good decisions on the banks and the quangos, I can even let slip the stuff about taking people's council houses away - that's not true is it? - but it won't be long before the Spending Review is in and people realise just what's going to happen. Is the country ready, are our MPs, can the coalition survive that?"

"Hey Nicky", said Dave, standing up behind his friend and partner, "What you need is a neck rub. They were all the rage at Eton, how was it at Westminster?"

"No sauna", Nick replied nervously, adding, "but what about the coalition?"

"Oh coalition schmoalition.", said Dave, as his hands expertly kneaded at Nick's clenched shoulders, "Let's just enjoy the moment. Victory, 100 days of being in charge. It's all great. Hey there, you're knotted up like billy-oh across the shoulders my chum. So tense. Here, let the fingers go in deep."

Nick shuddered and moaned slightly, but it wasn't through concerns about the future now, Dave's fingers had worked their magic and set his tension free. He felt like a boy of twelve again - but as Dave had mentioned, there wasn't one to hand - it was like being back at Westminster School all those years ago. He felt a sense of freedom and daring he'd not felt since that time. He stood, turned, reached for Dave's face. Their lips touched.

<>

Later the sauna was dark, Dave sat against the back wall with Nick laying across him. The towels had gone, any pretence at modesty seemed inappropriate. Both men relaxed in the warm glow of friendly company and shared experience.

Dave reached down and removed something from Nick's chin with a wipe of his thumb, "Missed a bit! Hey Nicky-Babe, that was pretty special you know."

Nick smiled, "I enjoyed it, it was great, like back at school in the showers with the PE master. Hey Dave, do you think such two men, a deputy and his leader.."

"Dual leaders.", interjected Dave.

"..yes. Yes. Dual leaders. Have such dual leaders ever had such an intimate knowledge and experience of one another? Surely this can lead only to good, or who knows, even greatness for us."

Dave just smiled. He leaned back harder into the wall and stroked Nick's hair.

Nick breathed deeply and nuzzled into Dave's lap a little more. His eyes flicked to the wall behind them. Through the remains of the steam his eyes started to focus in on a small patch of graffiti. As they resolved into words Nick could read clearly, "Gordon 4 Tony 4ever". Suddenly the room didn't seem so warm any-more.

William Hague - a lifter of gentlemen's shirts?

Great picture isn't it. Could they have found two men looking more gay? Outside of Queero's Nightclub of Poofland Street, Homoville I think not. They look like they're filming a version of Brokeback Mountain set in one of London's Georgian Squares. Looking at the picture, with Hague's self-assured straight ahead smile and his chum's more hesitant grin looking across to William it's difficult not to tentatively assign them the roles of stone and sponge, from left to right.

On one level I don't give a fuck if Hague gives, or takes, it with other men. I have a perfectly ambivalent attitude to gays; live your life as you want as long as my bottom is not touched. Campness on the other hand I find wildly funny, as well as how other people react towards homosexuality in general - there's a lot of humour in the world of gay. So who cares where William puts his nob?

Well, the only problem I see (I'm ignoring the infidelity issue, that's really between the man and his wife) is his voting record on Homosexuality Equal rights as you'll see if you go to that link he has a less than enviable record in this regard. When he didn't vote against the various measures he was absent and only in one minor vote did he vote for the majority (pro-gay) opinion. If it turns out he is a sausage jockey then accusations of hypocrisy will be difficult to ignore.

If, on the other hand, they are untrue. The media should be thoroughly ashamed, including me probably.